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Moby- "Porcelain"



In my dreams I'm dying all the time

As I wake its kaleidoscopic mind

I never meant to hurt you

I never meant to lie

So this is goodbye

This is goodbye



Tell the truth you never wanted me

Tell me



In my dreams I'm jealous all the time

As I wake I'm going out of my mind

Going out of my mind





I think Moby's singing my moods or something because quite a few of his songs are just always on my mind.



Lately I've been so lonely. Just wanting someone, anyone to reach out and tell me they care for me. Being lonely has never really bothered me in the past except recently. Now it's like a title wave crashing down on me.



I always wonder now who's going to hurt me next, or who's going to take your place.



I pushed back my discharge date from day treatment because I don't feel safe with myself. If that makes any sense. So we're looking at Friday now instead of Tuesday. Maybe it will give me enough time to regain the courage to go back out into the world.





For now, for all of you who are reading this, and wondering where did I go? I'm sorry, just lately I haven't even been up to talking. I'm taking my sweet time in getting back to people. And it seems to upset everyone. So just please be patient. I will get back to you once I feel better, I'm not mad or ignoring you.







Here's the perfect proof of what I was saying before. The next song right after Porcelain:



Moby- "Why Does My Heart Feel So Bad?”



Why does my heart feel so bad?

Why does my soul feel so bad?

Just a shadow of who I used to be. Slowly decaying... watching this world crumble. Followed by this fraying. I watch myself turn from this newly crafted person... to a simple pile of dust. Let's all watch me fall down.



Children aren't supposed to have all these problems... Children aren't supposed to have these feelings... Children are supposed to be CHILDREN.



This world is crumbling and I am going right with it.







Do you understand how I feel now? Probably not.

"I Love You."

Can't I just forget you, and move on?



Why do I always let you come back, and I tell you everything in my heart, all the love. But never the pain you've caused me.



Don't run away again. I need you here. Remember all those promises all those months ago.



You meant the world to me then, and you still do. I wish that everything would simplify, and I could regain everything I've lost.



Don't say good-bye, we aren't gone yet. Can't I just forget you, and move on?

Also forgot to add, guess who jumped back into my life that night? You got it... Dan. I wish he could just always be there or never come back. I fall to pieces when we talk; I turn into this little love struck fool. *Sighs* When will it be my turn to be actually happy? Why can't there be someone to treat me right, and never push me away, god it's enough to drive one mental.



Joey and I's conversation that night: (Our Yahoo wasn't working so that’s why it starts out a little weird, cause we had to go to MSN)



11/22/2006 12:20:19 AM Jackie: lets try this



11/22/2006 12:20:45 AM Jackie: cause i aint getting your shit over yahoo



11/22/2006 12:20:49 AM Joey: better



11/22/2006 12:20:56 AM Jackie: got it that time



11/22/2006 12:21:24 AM Jackie: what all did you say cause i didn't get like anything



11/22/2006 12:22:11 AM Joey: Jackie ?



11/22/2006 12:22:39 AM Joey: anyways i said ===you know ive thought long and hard for the past weeks on how to appologize to you and thought of many ways to ask for forgiveness and now as i sit here in this im fixing to ask for it i see in my eyes it wont really matter cuz if i were you and was asked for forgiveness id deny it and tell me to burn in hell



11/22/2006 12:22:50 AM Jackie: did you say anything else other then that?



11/22/2006 12:22:56 AM Jackie: cause i got that and replied to it



11/22/2006 12:25:25 AM Joey: no



11/22/2006 12:25:38 AM Joey: i never got a reply



11/22/2006 12:26:19 AM Jackie: i said this: i dont know what to say: i really dont think you know how much you broke my heart



11/22/2006 12:27:19 AM Joey: id be lieng if i said i did



11/22/2006 12:27:34 AM Jackie: you really hurt me



11/22/2006 12:28:17 AM Joey: i believe that and i know that i diid and i understand i dont deserve forgiveness



11/22/2006 12:28:20 AM Jackie: i thought i could trust you and you turned around and fucking flattened me, it took so much time for me to trust you, you know how much i was hurt before, look back on how you treated me, was that fair?



11/22/2006 12:30:08 AM Joey: no as i said before i know its something that one cannot get over



11/22/2006 12:30:59 AM Jackie: so what made you want to talk again?



11/22/2006 12:31:09 AM Jackie: did your girlfriend break up with you or something?



11/22/2006 12:32:07 AM Joey: no actually this wa only meant to ask for forgiveness that i now see i should not and will not recieve



11/22/2006 12:33:17 AM Jackie: just answer the question, or are you saying this was just a random act of kindness



11/22/2006 12:33:48 AM Joey: not random premeditated



11/22/2006 12:33:58 AM Jackie: for the last week or longer?



11/22/2006 12:34:33 AM Joey: longer



11/22/2006 12:34:48 AM Jackie: how long?



11/22/2006 12:35:22 AM Joey: two three weeks



11/22/2006 12:35:59 AM Jackie: so after the whore comment then?



11/22/2006 12:36:44 AM Joey: that comment was left after the comment about me on your page



11/22/2006 12:37:12 AM Jackie: that was before



11/22/2006 12:37:22 AM Jackie: i sent you that the night of that letter



11/22/2006 12:37:34 AM Jackie: in that letter i stated your friend called me a whore



11/22/2006 12:38:51 AM Joey: no i meant the one from your sister that said it looked like my face was fucked up but hey i g2g for a second my dad wants on so ill be back in a few hope ur on



11/22/2006 12:39:31 AM Jackie: okay, see you in a bit then







I'm a fool. I haven’t talked to him since that night. Let's hope it says that way.



Why can't the world just slow down? And just let me recoup for once, before shoving everything back in my face?



It's so unfair that he had to do this to me. He had to talk; he had to clear his conscience, when I was so close to be over him. It'd been two months. Why can't this just all go away?



Now I don’t even feel like talking about the holidays, and the day before. I actually had somewhat of a good time. Well maybe I’ll do it later. I think I am going to go take a shower now.

Well let's see where to start. I had the strangest night I think I have ever had. And wholly god did it suck.



First off, I was talking to this guy Cody that I had a big crush on all last year. And he didn't like me at all. Turns out now he likes me. Makes me wonder if it’s just cause I am "sexy" now. Blah... and he has a girlfriend so whatever.



Next up. I made signs for everyone, and that made me happy. Everyone I sent them to get at least a giggle from them.



On top of that, Amelia is sick, and I am so worried about her. I hope she gets better soon. I don't even know what’s wrong or if she's in the hospital right now or what. God I hope she's okay.



Next up. Rik called me; he can't come up for Thanksgiving like I was hoping him to. *Sighs* I was really hoping for him to be able to come.



Then I was talking with my older brother Keith, and I admitted to him that I was bi, and then he told me that my sister used to be a prostitute, and then something about him that I don't think would be fair to share even in my journal. And on top of it we were talking about his sex life and mine, and drugs and all this stuff. I guess we are gonna get fucked up this X-Mas. Kind of looking forward to that.



On top of it I told him what Dee (my sister) has been saying to me, and he went off talking about hurting her. And it just really worried me; on top of it I told him he would end up in jail for that, and that it would tear me apart completely. Then he told me, "Well its not like we were see each other anymore then we do now." That really hurt my feelings. And I started crying and all that crap.



If this isn't enough crap, right there. There is more. Guess what I talked to last night? Come on... I know you know who. Yes... I talked to Joey. We started statusing back and forth on yahoo. And asking each other why and why he didn't say sorry and all that crap. Next, he started talking to me in IM and god... he just started telling me all this crap about how sorry he was, and how if he was me he wouldn't forgive me. God and I just ate it up. I think we are supposed to talk tonight.



I don't think he wants to get back with me, so that's a relief. And if he does, let's pray that I have the strength to spit on him.



Ugh... so much shit... I don't know if I should say the rest. Hell why don't I just do another journal entry with more info and Joey and mine messages back and forth.



Look for part 2 later.





Shall I start beating my head into the wall repeatedly now, or later?

Any guesses?





I am!... of a...



Beautiful 1 year old baby boy...



RAT!



Almost scared you for a second there huh? :)



Yup I just adopted him today, and named him Jake. He's the cutest thing I've ever seen and he's a big'en. He was all by himself in this tiny little cage, and I picked him up and knew I had to have him. He snuggled me the whole time I was holding him and didn't move just sat there and let me pet him.



He even rode home with us, on my lap. Man can you even imagine the looks we were getting. Oh well. He's great and he's my little baby.



Hopefully we'll be getting him a companion real soon here.





Also because I forgot to add yesterday I got my hair dyed brown and pierced the right side of my lip. Yup yup... so pretty eventful.



Damn it feel's good to be a mommy again!



Here are a couple photos of Jake:























Aint he a cutie? :)

Lately I've just been so ashamed of myself. Everything I do is a mistake. I started smoking again, the kids at the hospital do it every morning, and I get a few hits here and there. I feel like I'm stuck in this cycle that I can't break. I haven't taken my anti- depressants, in about a month. (Hmm... and I wonder why I'm sad?) Four nights ago, I tired to commit suicide, and it failed, luckily. I've been just so alone lately, and clinging to the people I don't really need to.



On top of that I've been moody with some people. I'm usually so passive and lately everything sets me off. There was this boy who was mocking me at the hospital and it was all I could from not setting up and punching him in the face.



All I've wanted to do lately is scream. And cry and yell and just about 50 billion other things. I've been pushing away my RL friend's. Not calling them, not answering my phone. One of my best friends actually thought I was dead. What a shock it was for her when she found out I wasn't.



Turns out someone found out about the suicide attempt I had back in Sept. and I guess it's going around with the Freshmen’s. Go figure. If I'm not getting called a whore, I'm getting called a nut.



Joseph’s been on my mind lately. So has Daniel. Just thinking about the past and how things could have and should have been different.



I keep wishing the doctor wouldn't have given me Trazdone. It's all I can do to not swallow that pill bottle whole.



I'll be discharged after Thanksgiving. Seems a little early don’t it? I have this growing feeling I won't be ready and I'll be back a week later on a suicide watch.



I went into the bathroom today and balled my eyes out for about 10 minutes, till someone noticed and unlocked the door. Aren't hospital staff life savers?



One of the questions today was how do you feel when you look at yourself in the mirror. Without hesitation I said, "Disappointment." Then of course the question of why?



Because I'm ugly. I hate myself. I'm somewhat I don't want to be. I've done so many awful things, etc, etc, etc.



First girl to reply was this wonderful lesbian girl. She's great. She said to me, "Jackie you know your hot so shut your mouth before I kiss you." It was so random and so needed.



Speaking of sexuality. For those of you who read this and actually know what’s going on with that whole thing. I think I'm made my decision. I'm not gay. And not straight. Leaving what else? Bi sexual. In fact maybe leaning more towards girls. I've never been hurt by a girl and they are compassionate.



Am I rambling your ear off journal? I'm sorry.



Well it's late and I should be heading to bed, have to be up in 8 hours. Nighty night.

On 18:07:00 Nov 06 2006 Bloodlust13 wrote:



and no its a paradox to say no one should get hurt no one should get killed everyone should live peacefuly bu then say "opps im pregnent" and then go kill an innocent child that chould grow up and cure cancer so get smart dumb fuck and no democrats hate America thats fucking blunt if you loved America and your freedom you would saport the war so thay dont come blow us up anymore fuck you democrats are retarded i could o on all day about you morons but im not going to its a waste of my time you people are to brain washed by dumb asses like michal moore and maynerd to be educated beyond a second gread level so im done talking to you byeby



On 07:29:09 Nov 06 2006 tool1991 wrote:



What and liberals don't love America.



Ooo... so wait you love freedom of speech but not freedom of one's body. Because all abortions are baby killings. Isn't that a paradox?



Good for you!



On 07:26:45 Nov 06 2006 Bloodlust13 wrote:



see thats why im a conservative i love America and how i have fucking freedom of speach and can cus as much as i want and think how i want to do you even fallow any more politics then what dumb fuck maynerd tells you well what ever i dont care if a dem getts in office and i have the money im moveing to England



On 07:20:55 Nov 06 2006 tool1991 wrote:



This is why I don't tend to talk to politics with people. No need for profanity.



On 07:17:47 Nov 06 2006 Bloodlust13 wrote:



conservative bullcrap huh so being a logical thinking excepting republican is wrong huh better then being a baby murdering slut that cant shut the fuck up about how wrong eveyone else is. seattle is only fun for about two weeks then you see all of it and its boring



On 07:09:52 Nov 06 2006 tool1991 wrote:



Well its better then conservative bullcrap. But I can see where that would get annoying.



On 07:08:08 Nov 06 2006 Bloodlust13 wrote:



yeah it does my sister lives there its to democraty librael hipocrit bs down there it gets fuking boring fast hippy shit man







He felt the need to send what he was getting across twice. Just wanted to change the words up a bit too I guess.







On 17:57:42 Nov 06 2006 Bloodlust13 wrote:



abortion is killing a babyits not your body your fucking up your the whore you should have the kid then you shouldive it up for adoption cus the world doesnt need another kid rased by a dumb ass its not your body bitch think about that or is that a lil to hard for you to do i know dems are slow and stupid but cant you atleast see its not you body thats getting choped up and mutalated







Should I reply to this message? Should I send it to Cancer? Or should I tell this guy just how wrong I think he is. Nah... let's just let him be the village idiot for a little while. I'm sure someone else on this site will correct him, much better then I could ever hope to.